Christopher Robin on Match.com

Dating headline:

“True love is like a ghost; everyone talks of it, few have seen it.” –– Francois VI, Duc de La Rochefoucauld (1613–1680), French author

Profile picture:

Boobs.com

Another charmer...who I will NOT be rescheduling a date with...

"just don't wear any revealing tops or i'll hyperventilate"

Oh, don't you worry about that...

I can't help but wonder, what do guys say to girls who aren't busty during pre-blind-date communication?

Ladylike Behavior

After a bout with food poisoning...

Friend: Yes for sure....ugh. Do u feel skinny?

Me: no. not even. i wish.

Me: Too fat to even feel skinny after barfing...

Aren't I charming?

ADAT: Strike Three

ADAT wanted to go out on a second date...this needs no further set-up.

ADAT: How about we watch a movie at my place sometime next week?

How about we've only been on one date. No.

Me: Why don't we go bowling or something?!

ADAT: You don't think I would be a gentlemen if I were alone with you on my couch?

Well I certainly hope I wouldn't be facing a Multiplicity situation and that there would only be one gentlemAn there...and...no.

Me: Do YOU think you'd be a gentleman if we were alone on your couch?

ADAT: Yes. If by gentlemen (what's with the plural ?!?!?!) you mean kissing you, helping you out of your bra and then...

Me: Yeah, we must be using different dictionaries.

ADAT: Is being affectionate inconsistent with being a gentlemen:)?

OK, I ALMOST overlooked the plural when I was distracted by the emoticon.

Me: Being overtly physical on a second meeting is inconsistent. Not to mention, the use of an ellipsis usually means trouble.

STRIKE 3 - Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee's outta here!

ADAT: Strike Two

So, we left off with a ridiculous exchange between myself and ADAT over the phone. The next day I received a text message from him apologizing for the conversation...

ADAT: I hope I didn't make you uncomfortable last night. I was just trying to be playful.

Me: Yeah, didn't really know how to react to some of that. A little insecure about my shape to tell the truth. Plenty of guys just interested in that.

ADAT: I didn't want to rush you. I promise I'm a chill, fun guy but agree we shouldn't get ahead of ourselves in the intimacy dept before we meet.

ADAT: Having said that I did like hearing what you had to say :)...

ADAT: Of course. I can be a bad boy but I have a good heart...

Me: Well keep the bad boy in check and we'll go from there.

I agreed to go out with him.

We had another phone conversation, during which he apologized profusely - making me feel better about our pending date.

ADAT lives on the opposite side and end of Manhattan from me, so we decided to meet in midtown and watch the Yankee/Angels game (boo Yankees).

Before our date, I got a few more inappropriate texts (How about some plunging cleavage to soften the blow of you taunting my beloved Yankees? for example).

I met up with him anyway and the date was going well - comfortable if not a little quiet. No mention of boobs or anything awkward. We moved from one bar to another (ADAT doesn't drink, so please keep that in mind as the story continues) and scored a booth to continue watching the game.

A quick glance and I saw he looked at my boobs - I was wearing a v-neck t-shirt from Gap, not exactly the sexiest top on Earth.

Real short disclaimer here: I completely understand boys look at boobs. It's in their nature. Got it. No biggie. It becomes an "issue" when a girl feels like the guy is a deer in headlights and seems to forget there is a head located slightly above the area of interest and then comments on her chest. I have plenty of guy friends who manage to make fairly consistent eye contact.

Moving on.

"Well, I have to say I like the neckline of your t-shirt," he said with what I think was supposed to be a come-hither grin. "Sexy."

I smiled awkwardly. "Thanks."

The game ended and we decided we'd go to another bar. He suggested cutting over to 10th Ave from 9th and held my hand. We were walking down 53rd and he stopped, turned me around and kissed me. And whimpered.

It was literally 3 seconds before his hands were on my chest. More girly whimpering that made me even more uncomfortable than his hands on me.

I laughed. I honestly thought he was kidding. He misinterpreted my laugh as a giggle and proceeded. I pulled away a little.

He kissed me again - hands on my back. I thought I was safe...until he itsy-bitsy-spidered them UP my back and tried to UNHOOK MY BRA...ON 53rd STREET.

I really pulled away and said, "Um, that is not going to happen."

"No?" he cooed. Yeah, I used the word "coo" - because that is what this weirdo did. He whimpered and cooed.

"No."

"Hmm ok." Coo, coo, whimper, whimper.

He kissed me and whinnied again. Then he stuck his hand down the front of my shirt. That's right. Down. The front. Of my shirt.

I pulled away. His hand remained.

It was stuck in my cleavage. Like an animal in a trap.

Strike 2.

ADAT: Strike One

ADAT is an Assistant District Attorney. Guess what his first initial is...that's right, you super-sleuth.

Right off the bat I had an inkling that ADAT was going to be a DB. This inkling is called intuition. I ignored it. And with three strikes - the first of which will be revealed today - he's out.

We exchanged a few e-mails and turned to texts then a phone conversation. Being that he's 11 years older than I, I gotta say I was impressed with his ability to navigate technology (I kid, I kid). Our first conversation went well - he was a little awkward, but with all the crap I've dealt with I actually found it endearing. We talked about the Yankees (his favorite team) and the Red Sox (guess who is a card carrying member of Red Sox Nation) and he was incredibly uncomfortable talking smack. Again, I should have known this was a sign. But no, I ignored it.

We decided we'd go out the following Thursday and would figure out plans as it got closer.

Fast forward through a few texts. He asked if he could call again and I said yes - afterall, I had to tell him I wasn't going to make it on Thursday (blew him off to go on 3rd date with another guy who MUST have been kidnapped - the date was great and an abduction is the only reasonable conclusion for no follow up).

I didn't wait long to tell him I was going to have to postpone for "work" reasons. After that, he didn't wait long to turn to inappropriate conversation.

"So I told you I'd come up with some good questions when we talked again," he offered. I'd told him we shouldn't talk too many times before we meet because we'd run out of things to say. I was kidding - kinda.

"Oh that's right!" I couldn't wait to hear what he came up with...(stupid me).

"So the picture of you with those goofy glasses is really cute - where was it taken?"

Ahh, good choice - my glowstick sunglasses! I explained the picture was from an event put on for some family members in Denver.

"Interesting," he said - which I found odd - till I realized it was because he didn't care about the glasses. "I like the top you're wearing."

There it is.

He continued, "It really flatters your figure nicely."

"It's a dress from J.Crew," I didn't know what to say - so obviously I just avoided the topic at hand.

"Well you are very well endowed."

No shit. Let me take my top off and check! Wowowow - you're right! I had no idea. Where the heck did these lady lumps come from?!

I tried to lighten the mood, "Yeah, well I know I pop out of it a bit but I figured J. Crew is family-friendly so it wouldn't be considered inappropriate."

"No - no. I really like it."

OK.

"So how big are they?"

Who? Thelma and Louise?

"They are big."

"Yeah - how big?" said Prince Charming. "Like, you know - how big are they?"

"Ummm, I mean, they're really big."

"Like, what size are they?"

__________(insert your own response because, as you'll see, mine was ineffective)

Now this is the point where I figured if I just answer this dip-shit's question he'd realize I'm not playing coy mistress to his Andrew Marvell.

And I told him.

"Wow. That's great!"

WHAT!?

"So did you just develop really early or like, did it happen all of a sudden?"

Funny you ask, it literally just happened 3 weeks ago. Nuts, right?

"Um, yeah. Early - totally made me really uncomfortable."

"Cool. And what about the rest of your body?"

This is one of those moments where in hindsight, it is crystal clear I should have hung up.

"I mean, what do you want me to say? I look like a woman."

He waited.

"I have boobs and hips and a waist."

You got served.

Let's be real, if this was the end of the story, this blog wouldn't be living up to it's reputation. There's more...

"And what about your booty?"

"I mean, it exists."

"Nice," awkward silence - which I refused to fill. "So anything you want to know about me?"

No but I would be happy to tell you why YOU are single...no mystery buddy.

"Whatever you want to tell me."

"Well," oh he was gearing up. "I squat X and bench Y."

Snooooooze.

He kept going, " I think I have a really nice body. I wish my abs were better defined, but what I lack for in definition there I make up for with a nice chest and arms."

Like the Energizer bunny, this guy just kept going and going, "Oh, and I fill out my bicycle shorts nicely."

"Oh." What I meant was Oh, shit.

"Yeah," I could picture him puffing up his chest in the mirror as he talked. "So I'm really well endowed too."

"Well wouldn't we just make the most adorable couple."

"Yeah," flex well defined arms.

"So any movies coming out soon that you're looking forward to?" How's THAT for a change of subject?

STEEEEEEEERIKE ONE (I know, I know - there are technically about 17 strikes in this story alone)!

Times Square Shoulder Tap

It was just another morning last week. I was having a particularly dowdy day, dressed head to toe in predictable Gap fashions (that's right khakis and cableknit sweater) and barely going to be on time for work. I was actually a bit concerned someone in my office would tell me to just go home if I'm not going to put any effort into my appearance. It was a risk I was willing to take.

As I looked both ways before crossing Broadway at 40th Street (safety first, kiddos), I heard a car honk twice. Naturally, I scoped where it was coming from to make sure I wasn't being warned about my imminent death. My gaze was greeted by a man in the drivers seat of a parked van smiling and waving "hello" at me furiously. He cracked his door open - as though he was afraid I was going to hop in - and said "Come on, baby. I'm just saying Hi, give me a smile."

Fabulous I thought as I shook my head, laughed and crossed the street.

As I reached the door to my office building, I felt a tap on my shoulder. I looked back. And down. And there was the goofy guy from the van.

Twitchy? Check.
Scary smile? Check.
Patchwork fisherman hat worn tilted over one eye like a fedora? Check.

"I'm sorry miss," he said as he laughed uncomfortably and did a strange side-step dance.

"Can I help you?" The thought crossed my mind that maybe he was homeless and had been attempting to steal the van.

"Oh um yes. I just want to say, wow, you take my breath away."

Say what?

"Excuse me?"

"I mean, I know this sounds weird - shit, I don't even like white girls. But damn, my heart stopped when I saw you."

This isn't happening.

"Wow that's very flattering."

"Listen, I made mistakes in my life by letting things pass me by. And I saw you and told myself not to let history repeat itself." He clutched his chest.

Blank stare from me. I mean, really, what the hell am I supposed to say?

"So I ran over here - I don't know if I closed my car door. Oh! And I'm not crazy or nothin'. I work in entertainment," he paused to see if I'd bite on the entertainment line. "I just came from shooting for Taxicab Confessions."

Fabulous.

"So I don't know if you're in a relationship or married...or damn! Shoot, if you're single! But listen, could I just give you my number? I'm sure you're a busy career woman."

I looked down at my hand and was clutching my blackberry for dear life. For one brief moment I wondered If I just throw this at the ground will he still think it's mine or could I pass it off as though it was never in my possession?

"Oh you know, I don't know," I stalled. He looked like a sad, 47 year old Pound Puppy. "I have a boyfriend."

Wow - now THAT is a lie.

"Is it serious?"

"Yeah, it really is. I'm sorry." LIES LIES LIES.

"Well, do you think he might screw up?"

"I'm sorry?"

"Yeah, like, could you take my number in case he screws up?"

Sweet dude, you're jinxing a relationship that doesn't even exist.

"Oh you know, it really is pretty serious. I hope he doesn't screw up."

"Of course. Of course...but just in case?"

Am I taking it too far if I say we're moving in together? Hopefully he won't ask me a name...

"I'm sorry I just don't think it's a good idea."

"Whew," he said as he shook his head. "Well dang. Can't say I didn't try."

I laughed...uncomfortably.

"Well I am very flattered."

"Sure. Sure. Either way - you made my day. Just seeing your face light up in my direction."

"Aw thank you."

I. Am. So. Uncomfortable.

"Well God bless baby. You have a great day."

What was YOUR morning commute like today?