Monday, December 15, 2008

Meet Jerry Junior

It's time you were introduced to Jerry Junior. There will be many-a-post about him. I guess before anything else, I should give you a basic overview of JJ. He is in his mid-30s, a lawyer, divorced, terribly nice, straightforward and pot-bellied. Why the nickname Jerry Junior? Well, remember the movie Jerry McGuire? Ya know the little kid? That is who Jerry Junior looks like - glasses, spiky hair and all. Just 36. (See youtube clip for a refresher)

We'd been dating for a couple months and one night poor JJ had too much to drink (we will go into stories from earlier the same night another day). He tore out of the bar, towing me behind him. Eyes barely open, arms dangling lifelessly at his side, Jerry Jr. followed his protruding belly like a drunk pregnant lady - shuffling his feet and somehow managing to remain standing as he zig-zagged down the sidewalk. I kept up, simply by walking a straight line.

"Hey!" He spit out. "Are you coming?"

"I'm right here."

"I know. But. Are you coming? Are you?"

"Coming where?" I knew he wasn't asking whether I was going home with him - that was a given. Having the motor skills to walk is one thing, but being able to open doors, hit elevator buttons and get in bed? That was asking a bit much. He was hammered.

"Where? Ughhhhh," clearly, he was frustrated with my inability to read his mind. "To get pizzaaaaaa. We need pizza. I need pizza."

"OK, sure. I will take you to get pi-" he was on the move before I finished my sentence, following his stomach across the street. Shit - I need to get one of those telephone chord wrist leashes for this guy.

"Hey, come this way. This is where we get pizza."

I ran after him, completely clueless as to how he managed to move so swiftly while making about two inches of progress with each step.

Jerry disappeared into the pizza joint. After a close encounter with a cab as I ran across the street, I walked into the place to find him swaying frontwards and backwards and trying to pull the wallet out of his linen Brooks Brothers shorts (a little safari looking for me, but he was so excited about those shorts and wore them proudly all summer).

Off the street and indoors, JJ forgot to adapt his volume before speaking. "I NNNEED TWO SLICSSS," he slurred. Turning to me, "TWO."

"Hah, ok you can have two slices. Whatever you want." So this is what it will be like raising children.

He ordered, paid and proceeded to ask "Wellisitready?" every 30 seconds until I sat him down and diverted his attention with a story. I was successful for about 45 seconds. "Welllll?" I apologized for him.

"Don't sayyoursorry ferme."

"Ready, sir."

We got the pizza and headed out the door. Our journey on the mean streets of the Upper West Side continued.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Ive met the man, he is JJr. reincarnate. Minus the lisp. Where is that poor kid today I wonder??

Can't wait to read more!