Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Before SatC there was the BSC...

Luca: Why don't we go out on Saturday? We could go to the movies or if nothing is playing, you could show me around Stoneybrook.

Stacey: Well, this is kind of it. I mean, it's not like New York City or anything. That's where I grew up. Have you ever been there?

Luca: No, not yet.

Stacey: It's the best!

Luca: You mean, like you?

The Babysitters Club

Friday, January 9, 2009

More About Bobs

Direct from the keyboard of the lady who only dates Bobs...

Yes Bob #3 is just as real as #1 and #2. He wasn't the guilty party but how was I to know that?

Bob #1's also had brain surgery and asked me to be his caretaker. The instructions I recieved upon leaving the hospital were, "If he starts bleeding and you are close by, bring him back immediately. There won't be time for the ambulance to revive him."

A bit too much pressure for a new relationship.

Thursday, January 8, 2009

What About Bob?

Well folks, here is the first post about someone else's dating disasters. The gal, who shall remain nameless, has identified a trend among men named Bob: they're all a mess.

Bob #1:
She says - he looks like Crocodile Dundee
I say - he looks like Bob Barker (ok, ok not that old)
Game changing moments:
  • Bob asks her to take him to his colonoscopy...about 10 days after meeting
  • Bob begins falling apart, requests her aide at the hospital after multiple surgeries that are par for the course when becoming an antique
  • Bob peer pressures her family member to sing Christmas Carols. When said family member refuses, she is punished by listening to his rendition of Ave Maria (as he sang it 3,000 years ago when he was in the city's boys choir). He holds "Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh-veeeeeeeeeeeee Maaaa-RIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII" far too long and is left gasping for breath before picking up where he left off "IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII-EEEEE-yah." He admits is voice isn't what it used to be.
Bob #2:

On date 2, he told her to let him know when she's "ready" and he'll take his "helpful little friend, the magic blue pill." Yeah.

Bob #3:

Generally speaking, a cool guy. He mentions that she looks a lot like his last girlfriend and shares the same name. They decide to go to the New Jersey shore for date #3. She jokes "I'll ride with you as long as you promise not to chop me up into little pieces and put me in the trunk of your car." They go on date. They talk about past relationships and he reveals his ex has been missing.

The following week his ex is found chopped up in the trunk of her own car near a motel.

They stop dating.

UPDATE: ktmccoy made a very good point. I should mention the gal in this post is now in a great relationship with a guy who does not go by the cursed name Bob.

UPDATE #2: I've just been informed that the middle name of the current boyf is...you guessed it...ROBERT.

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

Kraft Singles

Right now, I'm as single as a slice of American cheese.
Nick Carey - I mean, Cannon

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

Sabotage

I'm a girl. Therefore, from time to time, I get in my own way and create awkward situations.

Case and point: date #3 with Jerry Junior.

I had two pleasant dates with Jerry Junior, thought he was a good guy and agreed to date #3. Jerry was the first guy I met online who I went on more than two dates with met (yes, yes, I have turned to the internet to find dates because reality hasn't done me any favors). We met at a bar on the Upper West Side for a couple of drinks. Equipped with the knowledge that I am a Red Sox fan, JJ showed up donning his Yankees hat and forcing it upon my head (sacrilege) a number of times.

We were having a good time at the UWS dive, getting to know more about each other and JJ asked me my middle name.

"Oh, Judith," I told him with some hesitation, knowing the name belongs to a girl who wears poodle skirts and saddle shoes while listening to Buddy Holly.

His face dropped for an instant then he smiled a ridiculously awkward smile.

"There's only one other person I know with that name."

"Oh, really? Yeah it was my grandmother's name," I replied, not knowing how to react to his reaction.

"Yeah, only one other person I have ever met with the name Judith." He stared at me. This was weird. I couldn't face him, but kinda looked at him out of the corner of my eye, confused (cue Anna Faris "I have no idea what's going on" laugh).

"OK."

He swiveled my chair to face him. "You can ask me anything you want, you know."

Uhhhh.

"Well you can tell me anything you want."

"I mean, anything. You can ask anything."

Lordy. I don't know, was it the name of your ex-girlfr-

"Judy is the name of my ex-wife."

I choked on my Yuengling. Literally.

"Oh!" I said trying to smile and act like I had the faintest idea of what the HELL was going on.

"Are you surprised?"

"Umm, yeah. I just - I mean - I didn't - your ex-wife?"

"You know I'm divorced."

Crickets....Oh - my turn to talk.

"No. No, I didn't know that."

"I didn't hide it from you, I swear!" he sounded like a five year old, doing damage control like it was his job. "It's on my profile!*"

Ooopsie. Classic. Forget reading the fine print, I apparently lost focus before the third line.

"Oh, I'm sure it is. I just - I didn't see it - I didn't notice."

"Do you want to leave now?"

Yes.

"No. I'm just - I'm kinda taking it in. Wow."

I tried to smile, but probably just looked confused (which I was) or constipated or something. More awkward silence.

"You haven't been like this since I met you."

Oh you mean as compared to the two other times we've hung out? I just found out you're divorced, homeslice.

"I know, I'm sorry. I just am kinda surprised."

"Well I am 35. Did you think I had never been married?"

Duh. "Yeah I guess I did."

"I don't have kids or anything. My emotional and financial responsibility to her is over."

Ohhhh, in that case...wait, nope, it's still weird for 25 year old me to realize I'm dating a divorcee.

We made it through the rest of the date unscathed. On date #4 I got the dish on what happened and it was clear she handed JJ his heart in a doggy bag.

Lesson in online dating: READ EVERY WORD OF THAT GODFORSAKEN PROFILE. Knowledge is power.

*Note: For those of you less pathetic than I, internet profiles list "Status" as in Separated, Single, Widow(er), Divorced, you get it.