Case and point: date #3 with Jerry Junior.
I had two pleasant dates with Jerry Junior, thought he was a good guy and agreed to date #3. Jerry was the first guy I met online who I went on more than two dates with met (yes, yes, I have turned to the internet to find dates because reality hasn't done me any favors). We met at a bar on the Upper West Side for a couple of drinks. Equipped with the knowledge that I am a Red Sox fan, JJ showed up donning his Yankees hat and forcing it upon my head (sacrilege) a number of times.
We were having a good time at the UWS dive, getting to know more about each other and JJ asked me my middle name.
"Oh, Judith," I told him with some hesitation, knowing the name belongs to a girl who wears poodle skirts and saddle shoes while listening to Buddy Holly.
His face dropped for an instant then he smiled a ridiculously awkward smile.
"There's only one other person I know with that name."
"Oh, really? Yeah it was my grandmother's name," I replied, not knowing how to react to his reaction.
"Yeah, only one other person I have ever met with the name Judith." He stared at me. This was weird. I couldn't face him, but kinda looked at him out of the corner of my eye, confused (cue Anna Faris "I have no idea what's going on" laugh).
He swiveled my chair to face him. "You can ask me anything you want, you know."
"Well you can tell me anything you want."
"I mean, anything. You can ask anything."
Lordy. I don't know, was it the name of your ex-girlfr-
"Judy is the name of my ex-wife."
I choked on my Yuengling. Literally.
"Oh!" I said trying to smile and act like I had the faintest idea of what the HELL was going on.
"Are you surprised?"
"Umm, yeah. I just - I mean - I didn't - your ex-wife?"
"You know I'm divorced."
Crickets....Oh - my turn to talk.
"No. No, I didn't know that."
"I didn't hide it from you, I swear!" he sounded like a five year old, doing damage control like it was his job. "It's on my profile!*"
Ooopsie. Classic. Forget reading the fine print, I apparently lost focus before the third line.
"Oh, I'm sure it is. I just - I didn't see it - I didn't notice."
"Do you want to leave now?"
"No. I'm just - I'm kinda taking it in. Wow."
I tried to smile, but probably just looked confused (which I was) or constipated or something. More awkward silence.
"You haven't been like this since I met you."
Oh you mean as compared to the two other times we've hung out? I just found out you're divorced, homeslice.
"I know, I'm sorry. I just am kinda surprised."
"Well I am 35. Did you think I had never been married?"
Duh. "Yeah I guess I did."
"I don't have kids or anything. My emotional and financial responsibility to her is over."
Ohhhh, in that case...wait, nope, it's still weird for 25 year old me to realize I'm dating a divorcee.
We made it through the rest of the date unscathed. On date #4 I got the dish on what happened and it was clear she handed JJ his heart in a doggy bag.
Lesson in online dating: READ EVERY WORD OF THAT GODFORSAKEN PROFILE. Knowledge is power.
*Note: For those of you less pathetic than I, internet profiles list "Status" as in Separated, Single, Widow(er), Divorced, you get it.