Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Bad Action Part 2: Gyno Nursery Rhymes

So after calling me a chubby alcoholic, all it took was taking off my top for the doctor's attitude to do a complete 180.

Being "well endowed," I have grown to expect certain populations to be taken a-back and overly excited when they are granted full access to the girls. Doctors were never part of that group - so needless to say, when my doctor's eyes lit up it didn't exactly put me at ease.

We were done with paperwork and on to the actual exam. The doctor began the breast exam (gotta have healthy boobs!!!) and as soon as she made contact, immediately hesitated. Naturally, I took this as a bad sign and shot her a concerned look.

"Oh, nothing to worry about honey," she said, trailing off at the end. "Do you know what you should be feeling for?"

"If I found anything it would feel like a raisin in oatmeal right?" Thanks Mum!

"Mm-hmm."

"I'm sorry is something wrong?"

"Oh, no dear. Quite the opposite."

Uhhh what the hell is going on?

She proudly reported, "You have the most supple, smooth breasts I may have ever felt."

Um, say what? Is this supposed to somehow ease my mind?

"Women with breasts as big as yours tend to be lumpy and bumpy!" Oh goody!

"Well," she continued, "you pass that checkpoint with flying colors."

Bizarre.

Then...the stirrups.

No woman on the face of the planet enjoys being in this position in a doctors office. So I put my head, held my breath and counted ceiling tiles. I didn't get past two.

"Oopsie!" The now-chipper doctor said. "I forgot all my utensils! Looks like the fork ran away with the spoon!"

"Huh?"

"Back in a flash!" She said as she walked out the door, refraining from closing it completely and leaving me as emotionally and physically as exposed as I have ever felt on Valentine's Day.

"Oh goodness, I didn't close the door all the way!" She said with a giggle as she saw me, legs crossed and arms folded.

We finished what can only loosely be referred to as my annual lady doctor appointment and I ran, yes literally ran out of the office, never to return to my school's health center again.

So when I start to cringe at the idea of being single on Valentine's Day, I remind myself it could be worse - I could be single, insulted, complimented, mortified, and stuck with an insane doctor on Valentine's Day.

Just being single ain't so bad...

4 comments:

ktmccoy said...

at least you got some action! I remember that lady... she definitely didnt treat me that way!!!

SmallbutMighty said...

I read this entire post with my legs tightly crossed

findyourlove88 said...

ah congrats for successful exam

AKA said...

haha- too funny. My friend's lady dr. told her that she really should have been trying for babies 5 yrs ago- and that it might be too late now, not that friend was trying. Turns out- she mis-read her age- thinki 38 NOT 28...called and apologized to my friend though after mistake-
-kath