My friends and were recently talking about boonie health, which led to conversation about going to see your "lady doctor." I was reminded of one of my favorite visits when I was in college.
It was Valentines Day 2004 (good start, right?) and I had a 7:30 AM appointment at my school's health center. I don't know quite what I was thinking, deciding that in a town full of incredible hospitals, I took my precious parts to the dingy "health" center at NU. What can I say, I guess I live on the edge.
It wasn't long before my name was called. I had filled out the sheet saying who I am, what I was doing there, allergies, etc. A very nice woman led me to a small office and gave me a gown to change into. After I changed, she knocked on the door and let herself back into the office, taking a seat and looking through my chart.
She weighed me (ughhhhhh) and took down my height (which has been reported as anywhere between 5'6 and just over 5'8). She then turned the page on my chart...
Blank stare back from me.
"I see you forgot to fill in the back sides of the pages."
Of course I did, brilliant. I crossed my fingers, hoping these would be easy questions - ones I didn't need to think about whether or not to make up answers.
"Oh I did? I'm sorry. I can fill it out after."
"Oh don't be silly, I'll just ask you the questions."
After a series of innocent questions, she got to alcohol intake.
"How many drinks do you have a week?"
OK, I can tell her the truth and see if she tells me I'm an alcoholic or doesn't judge me and just moves on. Orrrr I can tell her some lie so I know she will stay off my back. Then I figured, it's Valentines Day, I'm 21, it's early as hell - let's throw caution to the wind and give full disclosure.
She wasn't pleased. "Hmm, and how many nights a week do you drink?"
I told her two times a week - thinking I would at least get points for not drinking every night.
"Ok. You consume that many beverages in just two nights?"
Oops. The questions continued and with each answer, I could see her disappointment mounting.
"You know, your drinking habits probably have a lot to do with your current weight."
Happy f-ing Valentines Day to you too. OUCH.
"OK." Seriously, how else was I supposed to respond? The doctor not only judged my every answer, but then told me I have a drinking problem and am fat because of it. Fabulous.
Then came the actual exam...the most uncomfortable one of my life. If any of you have to endure being poked, prodded and felt up by your doctor on V-Day, my heart goes out to you.
Details of my Valentines Day "action" to come...