Thursday, April 16, 2009

Blue Aluminum Part FOUR!!!

“Hey – so I just got out of the subway. Where am I supposed to go?” Model inquired over the phone.

“Houston and Ludlow.”

“Oh, right,” silence. “How do I get there?”

Now, I don’t condone refusing to ask for directions. However, I also think it’s important a guy is someone self -sufficient.

“Well, where are you now?”

He told me where and I explained he needed to go North a few blocks and West a block or two.

“Is that left or right? I’m overwhelmed by the city.”

Fabulous. You know you live here, now, right? And there is a multitude of applications online that can show you how to get from point A to point B.

“You know what?” I began. “Why don’t you stay put and I’ll just come to you.”

It was agreed. I huffed from my apartment over to our new meeting spot. He was no where to be seen. I called him.

“Hey, are you here?” I asked.

“Oh, I started walking in the direction I thought you’d be coming from – you must have snuck by me.”

Seriously? You ask. Seriously.

“Ok, no problem. Where are you now?” He was about 10 min in the wrong direction. I told him not to move and that I would be there soon.

And there he was in all his glory. Old Navy cargo shorts, socks, hiking SANDALS, white undershirt, Zach Morris/Ocean Spray wave gelled bangs. Grinning from ear to ear.

“Hi!” he shouted as he started to cross the street, before almost being hit by a car. “Oh, oops. I’M GOING TO WAIT OVER HERE!”

Please stop talking.

I gave him the “ok” sign and smiled.

Once we made our way to the same side of the street, I had the delight (aka challenge) of figuring out where we should go. He didn’t want to get a drink so we were left, yet again, with coffee.

We went into a tiny coffee shop and approached the counter.

Gonna punk out again, Model?

Much to my surprise, he ordered a coffee immediately after I put my bottle of water on the counter.

“That will be $4.25,” the cashier said with a smile – looking at Model.

Model looked at me. I looked at Model. Cashier looked at me. I looked at Cashier.

“Unless – I’m sorry – the water is $1.25 and the coffee is $2.00,” the waiter stumbled all over himself.

Yup, that’s right. I’m going to wait for you to pull out your wallet Kimosabe.

I should have known better – no wallet.

Model breathe/laughed with an awkward shoulder shrug and “ehhh.”

“One dollar…” he pulled a crumpled dollar out of his pocket, looked at me and cashier, breathe/laughed again.

“Ten cents…” out came a dime.

For the love of GOD! Fine, I will pay for myself if it means bringing this social torture to an end.

I pulled out the smallest bill I had – a $5 and before I even extended it to the cashier to for myself, “Oh wow! Thanks for covering my coffee.”

The waiter was in shock. I was dumbfounded. I knew, though, if I didn’t move the focus along quickly I would be forced into lesbianism or murder.

“So how was apartment hunting with your dad?”

He perked up, “It was great! We never really did much bonding when I was younger, so it was nice to have something to do together.”

Ughhhhhhhhh – boring.

“Hah – oh yeah? Never catch in the yard or anything?”

“No.” he snapped.

Guess I struck a chord there.

He regained himself and continued, “I mean, I just never really got it.”

“What do you mean?”

“Like, I don’t understand the point. Why would people spend time throwing a ball back and forth?”

Now, I happen to be a girl who loves sports. Is “catch” a sport? No. But you better believe there is no way I could date a guy who doesn’t “get” the point of catch – much less one who thinks apartment hunting is an appropriate alternative. Grow a pair.

So I said, naturally, “Right.”

He was pleased with my response and we finished our coffee talking about my face being symmetrical (a la Betty Crocker) and his distain for sports of any kind. Perfect evening.

“Well, I should probably head back to my apartment – have to get up early for work.” Translation: Stop talking about hating football, baseball and hockey. This is never going to work. Please let me go.

“Ok, I’ll walk you.”

“It’s a bit of a hike…”

“Well I’m having so much fun – and there’s nothing I need to get up for early tomorrow. I’m happy to walk with you.”

Fabulous. I will say though, if I was into him, this would have been model (yuck yuck) behavior.

I thought the silence was nice. He, apparently thought it was a bit suffocating.

“Yeah so I can’t believe how graceful your fall was the other night.”

Thanks for bringing that back up. “Yeah – not to mention that I was asking about the sexy models you date at the time.”

“Oh right. No, I don’t date models. All that boniness freaks me out.”

That was the best thing I heard out of his mouth in any of our interactions.

“Plus,” he gave what Wikipedia calls Sign of the Horns. “Fertility rules!”

“Hah – what?”

“Fertility rules,” again with finger horns and he threw in a tongue out of the mouth for good measure.

Yup. Fertility rules. Vagina hat is something that is at least fairly easy to interpret. What the HECK does “fertility rules” mean? Here’s what I’ve come up with – through the help of friends:

  1. I like curves.
  2. I like that I can impregnate you.
  3. I like to confuse blonde girls.
  4. I don’t know what fertility means.

Any other interpretations are welcome – please comment.

To top off the evening, I turned to say goodbye and he tornado-tongued me. We’re not in Maine anymore, Model.

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Susan Boyle

OK wow. So I was going to post part FOUR of Model today, but after seeing this YouTube clip I had no choice but to change plans.

This is Susan Boyle, a homely (to say the least) woman who appeared on Britian's Got Talent. She is NOT easy to understand but there were three key speaking points:
  1. "Never been kissed" (take that Drew Barrymore)
  2. "I live alone with my cat named Pebbles, never been married"
  3. "Nearly 48, unemployed but still looking"
She sings "I Dreamed a Dream" - lyrics are posted below the video. Truly worth watching the whole thing - trust me!

Damn Girl!
(click here)

I dreamed a dream in time gone by
When hope was high
And life worth living
I dreamed that love would never die
I dreamed that God would be forgiving
Then I was young and unafraid
And dreams were made and used and wasted
There was no ransom to be paid
No song unsung, no wine untasted

But the tigers come at night
With their voices soft as thunder
As they tear your hope apart
And they turn your dream to shame

And still I dream he'll come to me
That we will live the years together
But there are dreams that cannot be
And there are storms we cannot weather

I had a dream my life would be
So different from this hell I'm living
So different now from what it seemed
Now life has killed the dream I dreamed.

Monday, April 13, 2009

Blue Aluminum Part 3


So we sat at a table in the corner of Juan Valdez and got down to business.

“Well, I have to say, I’m really relieved,” Model said.

“Oh?”

“Yeah I was afraid you weren’t going to be as cute as I remembered.”

Charming.

“Oh,” I laughed. “Were you afraid I was going to have a lazy eye or something.”

“No. No.” Model got defensive.

“I’m just kidding.”

So we talked about the usual stuff, admitting right away that neither of us remembered details about the other from our first meeting.

He was from Maine. Had a brother who was the “boy” of the family. Quite a reassuring thing to hear from the guy you’re sitting across from on a date.
Ummm, are families in Maine limited to only one “boy” son?

“Well what do you mean by that?”

“Oh – just that my brother was more into sports and stuff than me,” he explained.

Ok, I guess I can live with that.

He continued, “I was always much closer to my mother, we have a really close relationship.”

I can’t introduce this guy to my family.

“That’s really nice.”

“Yeah, I’m excited because my dad’s coming into the city tomorrow to help me look for apartments and I think there is a real opportunity for us to bond.”

All I could think was you’re an adult – and you think you’re going to redeem your relationship with you father by exposing that you’re incapable of finding an apartment without your dad?

“For sure – I bet it will be really nice,” hey – what do I know?

“I’m really glad I’m here with you and that we’re doing this.”

Ehhhh – “Yeah, me too. It’s nice getting to know you better.”

“You’re really beautiful. You have the most symmetrical face I’ve ever seen in person.”

Compliment in model speak?

“Hmm. Thanks?” I laughed.

“Oh I mean it as a huge compliment. Your face is unbelievable,” he was straining to put his compliment into language for mere mortals. “Like Betty Crocker.”

He pulled out his ringing phone, apologized and said he had to get it .

I couldn’t have cared less. I was trying to solve the puzzle of this “huge compliment.” Here’s where I was hung up:

1. He said Betty Crocker. I envisioned Aunt Jemima.

2. When I said “Betty Crocker?” and he confirmed, the image in my head was replaced wth Mrs. Butterworths. I’m blonde and white as can be – so I struggled to draw the connection.

3. Finally, I realized I was thinking about the syrup lady and Betty Crocker involves baking. I searched and searched for the “Betty Crocker” image somewhere in my mind. Then it hit me – Red Spoon.

“Sorry, that was my dad,” he explained his phone call. “Anyway, you know what I mean. You have that Betty Crocker all American look.”

I mean, I guess I can understand associating the Big red spoon with domesticity, making it “all American.” Still, I didn’t understand why my face made him think of a giant spoon.

My dad later explained to me that Betty Crocker used to have a face – and it resembled Grace Kelly. I didn’t see why model couldn’t have just said Grace Kelly from the beginning.

Anyway.

We finished our drinks and parted ways – he was off to model/cater on Long Island and I was off to my apartment. He said he was looking forward to going out again. Then texted me to let me know (again) he couldn’t wait to see me soon.

We made plans. The next date was the final nail in the Dating-A-Model coffin.

Friday, April 10, 2009

Musick

Going to see these guys tonight at Maxwell's in Hoboken (yes, they're worth the trip into New Jersey).

This song's first line: I've been sleeping with your best friend, but I'm in love with you.


Wednesday, April 8, 2009

What do you think?

To be in a couple, do you have to put your single self on a shelf?
Asked by Carrie Bradshaw

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Clueless

Text Conversation 3/31/09


Toe Sucker (yes, the one from Summer 2008): Want to grab a beer later?

Me: Taking a break from dating.

Toe Sucker: ? This is a beer. Funny.

Me: Ha OK then I'm taking a break from getting drinks with guys who aren't my friends.

Followed by sweet silence.