Monday, August 31, 2009

Dining

When did being alone become the modern-day equivalent of being a leper? Will Manhattan restaurants soon be divided up into sections -- smoking / non-smoking, single / non-single?

- Carrie, Sex and the City

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Chubs Strikes Again

I truly thought Chubs had run his course.

After all, it's been more than two years since our first date and more than one year since our second. In fact, a friend recently asked for a Chubs update and I happily reported, "Oh, no. That's dunzo for good. He told me he erased my number from his phone."

Fast forward to 10:41 pm yesterday.

You want to have some fun?

Ooooh, Chubs, you've come a long way since your vagina hat days.

Monday, August 24, 2009

A Personal Titstory

If your boobs ever write a tell-all, they shouldn't feel obligated to change my name.

(I LOVE Dear Old Love)

Thursday, August 20, 2009

Penance Part 2

Ah yes, "that blue eyes." My heart skipped a beat. Or was that a palpitation?

I decided to make lemonade out of lemons. This was a perfect opportunity for me to try being more direct. Far too often, I make up excuses for not being able to go out if I'm not interested. And that wastes everyone's time.

So I gave the direct approach a try. Here's how it went down.

Thursday

Seandian (leaving it to you to figure out the nickname) (10:40 am): I want that blue eyes and an "Irish kiss"

My eyes are green.

Me (12:28 pm): I'm really sorry but I think the other night was a mistake and we shouldn't see each other.

Seandian (12:45 pm): Stp worryin 2much. This is recession time. What time can we meet upfor couple of drinks tonite

a) are you too lazy to use "space" and type one extra letter to spell things correctly? b) do you assume I can't afford to buy my own drinks or do you have my purse - and wallet and Chronicles of Narnia c) maybe I need to try the direct approach again...

Me (12:47 pm): I'm sorry I can't.

Seandian (12:48 pm): U want me more than I want u

OK, then it shouldn't be difficult for you to stop texting me.

Me (12:50 pm): I'm sorry I don't think we should get together.

Seandian (12:51 pm): I am drivin ..text. u later

Me (12:52 pm): please don't worry about getting back in touch.

Seandian (12:55 pm): Che.....e se..

Well, the equivalent, but he called me by my actual name.

I didn't respond.

Seandian (9:41 pm): Wha u doin

No response from me.

Saturday

Seandian (3:27 am): I want to see u now..we rein e 13 & brdway

I don't respond, as I'm asleep and assume he doesn't mean that he reins over the intersection of 13th and Broadway.

Seandian (2:40 pm): Do u want to hangout tonight?

Recognizing the no response method isn't working, I actually text back.

Me (2:45 pm): No thank you. I have plans.

Seandian (2:46 pm): U welcome.

Sunday

Seandian (5:03 pm): How r u stranger?

Uhhh you're only supposed to call someone "stranger" if the person is not, in fact, a stranger.


I don't respond. I'm watching The Time Travelers Wife. Maybe if he told me he was a time traveler I'd go on a date with Seandian.

Seandian (5:24 pm): Call me I want to tell u sthg.

Right, and I have a secret to tell you...come closer...closer...

I don't respond.

Monday

Seandian (2:36 pm): I want to hug u

You can't always get what you want, Seandian, but if you try sometimes you'll find you get what you need.

I'll let you know if there's more to report. He's been quiet for over 48 hours...

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Penance

Just over a week ago my bag was stolen...and so was my dignity. I was at Town Tavern in the West Village - that should help set the stage.

In what can best be described as a very dark haze I reverted to my college days and made a scene. A makeout session. Drunk. In a bar. With a stranger. An old stranger. An old, smelly foreign stranger. With friends (aka co-workers) present. On the way to make a phone call. It lasted a long time.


Not actual photo of the offense in action

These are the nights made for blackmail.

Flash forward to Wednesday.

I was at my apartment, waiting for my roommate Molly (remember her from the Fireman story?) to call. My apartment keys were stolen along with the other contents of my bag - including blackberry, wallet and the entire series of The Chronicles of Narnia - so Molly and I developed a key sharing program while we waited for my new set to be made.

I got a call from a number I didn't recognize. Now, under normal circumstances I do NOT pick up calls from unknown numbers - but this time, as the phone rang and rang, I thought if this is Molly, I should really answer. I already make her share her keys with me. Maybe she's drunk and is calling me from a friend's phone. So I answered.

Wrong choice.

"Hello?"

"Hi 'Cheese' How are you doing tonight?" a thick accent bubbled through the phone.

Shit. I gave him my number. Details of the previous Friday slip back into memory.

"Yeah. What's up?" I figured if I was a little rude he would realize it was a mistake to call and he'd cut the conversation short. I was wrong again.

"Ooo," really high pitched followed by a bizarre bird-like coo. "So are you still in New York or are you in Phillydelphia?"

At this point I wasn't sure if I lied and told him I live in Philly or something was lost in translation when I said I am from the city of brotherly love.

"Oh. Um, I'm in New York." I held my breath.

Another weird coo - followed quickly by a squeal.

"That is wonderful! How long with you be here?"

I should hang up.

"A while..." the last time I played this much with words was when I was trying to figure out how to talk to a convict who was asking me out.

"Delightful. So when can we go for a drink? Hee hee hoo mmmmm."

Never. And stop making those sounds.

He continued, "Friday?"

"I'm sorry my family is in town."

"Saturday?"

"They're in town all weekend." It wasn't even technically a lie. My mom and relatives were visiting till Saturday and my brothers live in New York. So technically, family is always in town.

"Sunday?"

"Oh, no. They are in town all weekend."

"Monday?"

Good Allah!

"Maybe Monday will work."

"Great so where? What time?"

"Oh." Ugh. "Well, why don't you call me later and we'll make plans." AKA hang up so I can save you in my phone as Guy from Town Tavern and never answer another call from you.

"OK so call you Sunday? To make plans for Monday? And decide time and place?"

"Sounds great."

"So what are you doing now?"

"Hanging out with my roommate."

"OK so I should call you later this week to make plans for Monday."

"Yes. That's right. Talk to you then."

This is my life. This is my punishment for drinking. God isn't going to wait to send me to Hell for overindulgence. He's going to give me Hell right here on Earth. Immediate penance.

On Thursday at 10:40...in the morning... I received the following text message:

I want that blue eyes and an "Irish kiss"

It was just the beginning.

Monday, August 17, 2009

BAAAAAAACK

Well, Cheese's back.

I've had way too many experiences in the last week to think they are anything less than a giant SHOVE in the direction of blogging.

Not to worry - I didn't put this on hold because I ran out of stories. I just got lazy.

So strap on your reading glasses and get ready for more illustrations that explain Why I'm Single.

xx,

Queso