Friday, October 30, 2009

ADAT: Strike Three

ADAT wanted to go out on a second date...this needs no further set-up.

ADAT: How about we watch a movie at my place sometime next week?

How about we've only been on one date. No.

Me: Why don't we go bowling or something?!

ADAT: You don't think I would be a gentlemen if I were alone with you on my couch?

Well I certainly hope I wouldn't be facing a Multiplicity situation and that there would only be one gentlemAn there...and...no.

Me: Do YOU think you'd be a gentleman if we were alone on your couch?

ADAT: Yes. If by gentlemen (what's with the plural ?!?!?!) you mean kissing you, helping you out of your bra and then...

Me: Yeah, we must be using different dictionaries.

ADAT: Is being affectionate inconsistent with being a gentlemen:)?

OK, I ALMOST overlooked the plural when I was distracted by the emoticon.

Me: Being overtly physical on a second meeting is inconsistent. Not to mention, the use of an ellipsis usually means trouble.

STRIKE 3 - Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee's outta here!


Thursday, October 29, 2009

ADAT: Strike Two

So, we left off with a ridiculous exchange between myself and ADAT over the phone. The next day I received a text message from him apologizing for the conversation...

ADAT: I hope I didn't make you uncomfortable last night. I was just trying to be playful.

Me: Yeah, didn't really know how to react to some of that. A little insecure about my shape to tell the truth. Plenty of guys just interested in that.

ADAT: I didn't want to rush you. I promise I'm a chill, fun guy but agree we shouldn't get ahead of ourselves in the intimacy dept before we meet.

ADAT: Having said that I did like hearing what you had to say :)...

ADAT: Of course. I can be a bad boy but I have a good heart...

Me: Well keep the bad boy in check and we'll go from there.

I agreed to go out with him.

We had another phone conversation, during which he apologized profusely - making me feel better about our pending date.

ADAT lives on the opposite side and end of Manhattan from me, so we decided to meet in midtown and watch the Yankee/Angels game (boo Yankees).

Before our date, I got a few more inappropriate texts (How about some plunging cleavage to soften the blow of you taunting my beloved Yankees? for example).

I met up with him anyway and the date was going well - comfortable if not a little quiet. No mention of boobs or anything awkward. We moved from one bar to another (ADAT doesn't drink, so please keep that in mind as the story continues) and scored a booth to continue watching the game.

A quick glance and I saw he looked at my boobs - I was wearing a v-neck t-shirt from Gap, not exactly the sexiest top on Earth.

Real short disclaimer here: I completely understand boys look at boobs. It's in their nature. Got it. No biggie. It becomes an "issue" when a girl feels like the guy is a deer in headlights and seems to forget there is a head located slightly above the area of interest and then comments on her chest. I have plenty of guy friends who manage to make fairly consistent eye contact.

Moving on.

"Well, I have to say I like the neckline of your t-shirt," he said with what I think was supposed to be a come-hither grin. "Sexy."

I smiled awkwardly. "Thanks."

The game ended and we decided we'd go to another bar. He suggested cutting over to 10th Ave from 9th and held my hand. We were walking down 53rd and he stopped, turned me around and kissed me. And whimpered.

It was literally 3 seconds before his hands were on my chest. More girly whimpering that made me even more uncomfortable than his hands on me.

I laughed. I honestly thought he was kidding. He misinterpreted my laugh as a giggle and proceeded. I pulled away a little.

He kissed me again - hands on my back. I thought I was safe...until he itsy-bitsy-spidered them UP my back and tried to UNHOOK MY BRA...ON 53rd STREET.

I really pulled away and said, "Um, that is not going to happen."

"No?" he cooed. Yeah, I used the word "coo" - because that is what this weirdo did. He whimpered and cooed.

"No."

"Hmm ok." Coo, coo, whimper, whimper.

He kissed me and whinnied again. Then he stuck his hand down the front of my shirt. That's right. Down. The front. Of my shirt.

I pulled away. His hand remained.

It was stuck in my cleavage. Like an animal in a trap.

Strike 2.

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

ADAT: Strike One

ADAT is an Assistant District Attorney. Guess what his first initial is...that's right, you super-sleuth.

Right off the bat I had an inkling that ADAT was going to be a DB. This inkling is called intuition. I ignored it. And with three strikes - the first of which will be revealed today - he's out.

We exchanged a few e-mails and turned to texts then a phone conversation. Being that he's 11 years older than I, I gotta say I was impressed with his ability to navigate technology (I kid, I kid). Our first conversation went well - he was a little awkward, but with all the crap I've dealt with I actually found it endearing. We talked about the Yankees (his favorite team) and the Red Sox (guess who is a card carrying member of Red Sox Nation) and he was incredibly uncomfortable talking smack. Again, I should have known this was a sign. But no, I ignored it.

We decided we'd go out the following Thursday and would figure out plans as it got closer.

Fast forward through a few texts. He asked if he could call again and I said yes - afterall, I had to tell him I wasn't going to make it on Thursday (blew him off to go on 3rd date with another guy who MUST have been kidnapped - the date was great and an abduction is the only reasonable conclusion for no follow up).

I didn't wait long to tell him I was going to have to postpone for "work" reasons. After that, he didn't wait long to turn to inappropriate conversation.

"So I told you I'd come up with some good questions when we talked again," he offered. I'd told him we shouldn't talk too many times before we meet because we'd run out of things to say. I was kidding - kinda.

"Oh that's right!" I couldn't wait to hear what he came up with...(stupid me).

"So the picture of you with those goofy glasses is really cute - where was it taken?"

Ahh, good choice - my glowstick sunglasses! I explained the picture was from an event put on for some family members in Denver.

"Interesting," he said - which I found odd - till I realized it was because he didn't care about the glasses. "I like the top you're wearing."

There it is.

He continued, "It really flatters your figure nicely."

"It's a dress from J.Crew," I didn't know what to say - so obviously I just avoided the topic at hand.

"Well you are very well endowed."

No shit. Let me take my top off and check! Wowowow - you're right! I had no idea. Where the heck did these lady lumps come from?!

I tried to lighten the mood, "Yeah, well I know I pop out of it a bit but I figured J. Crew is family-friendly so it wouldn't be considered inappropriate."

"No - no. I really like it."

OK.

"So how big are they?"

Who? Thelma and Louise?

"They are big."

"Yeah - how big?" said Prince Charming. "Like, you know - how big are they?"

"Ummm, I mean, they're really big."

"Like, what size are they?"

__________(insert your own response because, as you'll see, mine was ineffective)

Now this is the point where I figured if I just answer this dip-shit's question he'd realize I'm not playing coy mistress to his Andrew Marvell.

And I told him.

"Wow. That's great!"

WHAT!?

"So did you just develop really early or like, did it happen all of a sudden?"

Funny you ask, it literally just happened 3 weeks ago. Nuts, right?

"Um, yeah. Early - totally made me really uncomfortable."

"Cool. And what about the rest of your body?"

This is one of those moments where in hindsight, it is crystal clear I should have hung up.

"I mean, what do you want me to say? I look like a woman."

He waited.

"I have boobs and hips and a waist."

You got served.

Let's be real, if this was the end of the story, this blog wouldn't be living up to it's reputation. There's more...

"And what about your booty?"

"I mean, it exists."

"Nice," awkward silence - which I refused to fill. "So anything you want to know about me?"

No but I would be happy to tell you why YOU are single...no mystery buddy.

"Whatever you want to tell me."

"Well," oh he was gearing up. "I squat X and bench Y."

Snooooooze.

He kept going, " I think I have a really nice body. I wish my abs were better defined, but what I lack for in definition there I make up for with a nice chest and arms."

Like the Energizer bunny, this guy just kept going and going, "Oh, and I fill out my bicycle shorts nicely."

"Oh." What I meant was Oh, shit.

"Yeah," I could picture him puffing up his chest in the mirror as he talked. "So I'm really well endowed too."

"Well wouldn't we just make the most adorable couple."

"Yeah," flex well defined arms.

"So any movies coming out soon that you're looking forward to?" How's THAT for a change of subject?

STEEEEEEEERIKE ONE (I know, I know - there are technically about 17 strikes in this story alone)!

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Times Square Shoulder Tap

It was just another morning last week. I was having a particularly dowdy day, dressed head to toe in predictable Gap fashions (that's right khakis and cableknit sweater) and barely going to be on time for work. I was actually a bit concerned someone in my office would tell me to just go home if I'm not going to put any effort into my appearance. It was a risk I was willing to take.

As I looked both ways before crossing Broadway at 40th Street (safety first, kiddos), I heard a car honk twice. Naturally, I scoped where it was coming from to make sure I wasn't being warned about my imminent death. My gaze was greeted by a man in the drivers seat of a parked van smiling and waving "hello" at me furiously. He cracked his door open - as though he was afraid I was going to hop in - and said "Come on, baby. I'm just saying Hi, give me a smile."

Fabulous I thought as I shook my head, laughed and crossed the street.

As I reached the door to my office building, I felt a tap on my shoulder. I looked back. And down. And there was the goofy guy from the van.

Twitchy? Check.
Scary smile? Check.
Patchwork fisherman hat worn tilted over one eye like a fedora? Check.

"I'm sorry miss," he said as he laughed uncomfortably and did a strange side-step dance.

"Can I help you?" The thought crossed my mind that maybe he was homeless and had been attempting to steal the van.

"Oh um yes. I just want to say, wow, you take my breath away."

Say what?

"Excuse me?"

"I mean, I know this sounds weird - shit, I don't even like white girls. But damn, my heart stopped when I saw you."

This isn't happening.

"Wow that's very flattering."

"Listen, I made mistakes in my life by letting things pass me by. And I saw you and told myself not to let history repeat itself." He clutched his chest.

Blank stare from me. I mean, really, what the hell am I supposed to say?

"So I ran over here - I don't know if I closed my car door. Oh! And I'm not crazy or nothin'. I work in entertainment," he paused to see if I'd bite on the entertainment line. "I just came from shooting for Taxicab Confessions."

Fabulous.


"So I don't know if you're in a relationship or married...or damn! Shoot, if you're single! But listen, could I just give you my number? I'm sure you're a busy career woman."

I looked down at my hand and was clutching my blackberry for dear life. For one brief moment I wondered If I just throw this at the ground will he still think it's mine or could I pass it off as though it was never in my possession?

"Oh you know, I don't know," I stalled. He looked like a sad, 47 year old Pound Puppy. "I have a boyfriend."

Wow - now THAT is a lie.

"Is it serious?"

"Yeah, it really is. I'm sorry." LIES LIES LIES.

"Well, do you think he might screw up?"

"I'm sorry?"

"Yeah, like, could you take my number in case he screws up?"

Sweet dude, you're jinxing a relationship that doesn't even exist.

"Oh you know, it really is pretty serious. I hope he doesn't screw up."

"Of course. Of course...but just in case?"

Am I taking it too far if I say we're moving in together? Hopefully he won't ask me a name...

"I'm sorry I just don't think it's a good idea."

"Whew," he said as he shook his head. "Well dang. Can't say I didn't try."

I laughed...uncomfortably.

"Well I am very flattered."

"Sure. Sure. Either way - you made my day. Just seeing your face light up in my direction."

"Aw thank you."

I. Am. So. Uncomfortable.

"Well God bless baby. You have a great day."

What was YOUR morning commute like today?

Monday, October 26, 2009

Facebook Chat = The Devil

Boy: still up for hanging out Friday?

Boy: Friday still good?

Me: yeah

I didn't mean it

Boy: Cool- hope I didn't offend u the other when I said u should wear something that shows off your legs

Right it wasn't awkward at all to hear that from someone I've never met and is basing his comment on a picture of my legs in a skirt...standing on a bar.

Me: Nah

Boy: Ok good- just checking cause u left right after- wasn't sure

Yup...connect the dots...go on...

Boy: So would u do that for me?

Me: Wear a skirt?

Boy: So would u do that for me? Yea

Boy: It would def be hot if u wore a skirt :)

Boy: Got kicked off- missed if u said anything

Me: Oh no - watching Glee at the same time

Yeah, that's right - Glee is awesome. And again, dude, if you make that many comments and I'm not responding - I'm CHOOSING to watch Glee instead of respond. Kinda hoping you'll retract the request.

Boy: It’s cool

Thank goodness.

Boy sends me an e-mail asking if he can call when I get signed off. I sign back on 30 min later. During that time, I reflected a bit and decided Helloooo you're not interested in this dude. Let him go - set him free to roam the world of online dating.

Boy: Ok to call u?

Here it comes, bud.

Me: you know, I’m sorry but I think you're a little too forward for me...call me old fashioned...or maybe I’m too conservative for you hah

Boy: I’m sorry - I was just being playful

Me: Totally understand and that's fine

Don't want homie to feel like a complete jackass...

Boy: I’d like to hang out and get to know u. maybe I just got carried away.

Or maybe you're hell bent on making this more drawn out and uncomfortable than it needs to be.

Me: Actually I think it's more me - just not totally hip to the being suggestive to people I don't really know. (Probably why I’ve found myself on match haha)

It's not you, it's me...isn't that supposed to work?

Boy: I hear ya- I’ll tone it down. Deal?

No.

Me: I don’t want you to have to censor - maybe better to part ways

Boy: That’s not all I’m about. I’m cool with hanging out and talking- I can keep the flirting much milder :)

Um, is that an emoticon?

Me: I’m sorry I don't date guys who use emoticons hahh

Hey, I was just trying to lighten the mood and send a message.

Boy: Why don’t we talk on the phone and give that a shot. If u still don’t wanna hang out I’ll give up

Me: I’m sorry - just don't think it will work out. Really wish you luck though

Boy: I feel dumb now- I wanted to get to know u and I fucked up

Me: Please don't feel dumb

Boy: You don’t really know me- there’s no harm in having a conversation. Don’t make me beg!

Me: Haha I mean, I’m pretty awesome, but not worth begging for

Boy: One phone call and I promise if u don’t wanna talk after I’ll leave u alone for good

Me: Hah at this point I think it will just be awkward. I don't want you to feel badly about how this has gone down. You seem like a nice guy, just don’t think it's going to work out. Good luck!

Boy: Alrighty I don’t think it would be but guess I won’t change your mind. I only flirted like that cause I thought u liked it

Me: I understand

Boy: I’ll try u in a couple weeks - maybe it'll be better then - good night

Me: G'night

Friday, October 23, 2009

THIS IS WHY I'M SINGLE Part 2

Mr. Nice-y Pants chose the wrong day to send his e-mail to me about my fig'r. While I typically choose to ignore, this time I chose to respond.

You're not mistaken, I do have a big chest. Pretty self conscious about it, too. I posted pictures of more than just my face so people wouldn't think I'm just a floating head or have 7 arms. When I posted those pictures, I was afraid I'd get attention simply because of my shape.

While I am an hourglass shaped girl, there's nothing bombshell-ish about me. Kinda a tomboy, down to earth, not at all a girls gone wild type. Sometimes my figure leads to misconceptions about my personality.

I'm not sure what message you're trying to get across in your e-mail other than to let me know you like large chests. To that I say, I'm flattered that you like my figure but highly recommend you keep those comments to yourself when you're talking to a girl who has a big (natural) chest until you've developed some sort of common ground.

I apologize if this comes across as rude - I think I just managed to get this e-mail from you after a string of guys making similar comments (as you mentioned in your e-mail) and it's just frustrating to so consistently feel like I'm not taken seriously.

What would you have said to this a-hole?

Thursday, October 22, 2009

THIS IS WHY I'M SINGLE

So, I was debating which of the many stories to kick this bad boy off with - started a few different posts and then had this e-mail come through on Match.com.

This guy's username references what a stand up dude he is: NicestGuyInTheWholeWideWorld - or something like that. He shot a wink my way and sent a nice e-mail. I responded - he wrote back. Hadn't gotten back to him while I was on jury duty (believe it or not, Match.com was not my #1 choice for how to pass the little free time I had).

As I was half way through what I thought would be today's post, I received this e-mail from him.

hey

i know we havent emailed each other much but i thought i would be up front and honest.

I came across your profile and read the entire thing. i then checked out your pics and noticed you seem to have a very large chest. this got my attention plus the fact you have a very cute face.

I happen to have a thing for females who are very top heavy. bottom heavy is fine too, but i just have my preferences.

I am sorry if this offends you or ruins your out look. but i am just being honest. i am sure you get lots of attention from guys because of that. if i am wrong all together, then i apologize for my behavior.

regards

A few things:

1) Gotta give this idiot SOME credit for being honest
2) I'm taking down any pictures that reveal anything other than my face
3) Are there this many motherless or sisterless guys out there that they think this is appropriate behavior?
4) "Regards" - SERIOUSLY??? Why save the formality for the sign off?

If this is what the "nice guys" are turning into then Lord help us all!

Friday, October 9, 2009

Jury's Almost Out!!!

Don't know that the title makes perfect sense, but here's the message: Grand Jury Duty ends TODAY!

That means "Why I'm Single" is coming back.

What to expect:
  • A conspiracy theorist
  • A salsa-dancing peer pressurer
  • The re-emergence of Seandian
  • 50% off sushi dinner
  • Additional running cat-calls
Stay tuned!! And thanks for being patient while I complete my civic duty.