Wednesday, October 28, 2009

ADAT: Strike One

ADAT is an Assistant District Attorney. Guess what his first initial is...that's right, you super-sleuth.

Right off the bat I had an inkling that ADAT was going to be a DB. This inkling is called intuition. I ignored it. And with three strikes - the first of which will be revealed today - he's out.

We exchanged a few e-mails and turned to texts then a phone conversation. Being that he's 11 years older than I, I gotta say I was impressed with his ability to navigate technology (I kid, I kid). Our first conversation went well - he was a little awkward, but with all the crap I've dealt with I actually found it endearing. We talked about the Yankees (his favorite team) and the Red Sox (guess who is a card carrying member of Red Sox Nation) and he was incredibly uncomfortable talking smack. Again, I should have known this was a sign. But no, I ignored it.

We decided we'd go out the following Thursday and would figure out plans as it got closer.

Fast forward through a few texts. He asked if he could call again and I said yes - afterall, I had to tell him I wasn't going to make it on Thursday (blew him off to go on 3rd date with another guy who MUST have been kidnapped - the date was great and an abduction is the only reasonable conclusion for no follow up).

I didn't wait long to tell him I was going to have to postpone for "work" reasons. After that, he didn't wait long to turn to inappropriate conversation.

"So I told you I'd come up with some good questions when we talked again," he offered. I'd told him we shouldn't talk too many times before we meet because we'd run out of things to say. I was kidding - kinda.

"Oh that's right!" I couldn't wait to hear what he came up with...(stupid me).

"So the picture of you with those goofy glasses is really cute - where was it taken?"

Ahh, good choice - my glowstick sunglasses! I explained the picture was from an event put on for some family members in Denver.

"Interesting," he said - which I found odd - till I realized it was because he didn't care about the glasses. "I like the top you're wearing."

There it is.

He continued, "It really flatters your figure nicely."

"It's a dress from J.Crew," I didn't know what to say - so obviously I just avoided the topic at hand.

"Well you are very well endowed."

No shit. Let me take my top off and check! Wowowow - you're right! I had no idea. Where the heck did these lady lumps come from?!

I tried to lighten the mood, "Yeah, well I know I pop out of it a bit but I figured J. Crew is family-friendly so it wouldn't be considered inappropriate."

"No - no. I really like it."

OK.

"So how big are they?"

Who? Thelma and Louise?

"They are big."

"Yeah - how big?" said Prince Charming. "Like, you know - how big are they?"

"Ummm, I mean, they're really big."

"Like, what size are they?"

__________(insert your own response because, as you'll see, mine was ineffective)

Now this is the point where I figured if I just answer this dip-shit's question he'd realize I'm not playing coy mistress to his Andrew Marvell.

And I told him.

"Wow. That's great!"

WHAT!?

"So did you just develop really early or like, did it happen all of a sudden?"

Funny you ask, it literally just happened 3 weeks ago. Nuts, right?

"Um, yeah. Early - totally made me really uncomfortable."

"Cool. And what about the rest of your body?"

This is one of those moments where in hindsight, it is crystal clear I should have hung up.

"I mean, what do you want me to say? I look like a woman."

He waited.

"I have boobs and hips and a waist."

You got served.

Let's be real, if this was the end of the story, this blog wouldn't be living up to it's reputation. There's more...

"And what about your booty?"

"I mean, it exists."

"Nice," awkward silence - which I refused to fill. "So anything you want to know about me?"

No but I would be happy to tell you why YOU are single...no mystery buddy.

"Whatever you want to tell me."

"Well," oh he was gearing up. "I squat X and bench Y."

Snooooooze.

He kept going, " I think I have a really nice body. I wish my abs were better defined, but what I lack for in definition there I make up for with a nice chest and arms."

Like the Energizer bunny, this guy just kept going and going, "Oh, and I fill out my bicycle shorts nicely."

"Oh." What I meant was Oh, shit.

"Yeah," I could picture him puffing up his chest in the mirror as he talked. "So I'm really well endowed too."

"Well wouldn't we just make the most adorable couple."

"Yeah," flex well defined arms.

"So any movies coming out soon that you're looking forward to?" How's THAT for a change of subject?

STEEEEEEEERIKE ONE (I know, I know - there are technically about 17 strikes in this story alone)!

4 comments:

Rebecca said...

No!!! I mean, I certainly can believe this, what, with all of the freaks out there today, but seriously, WTF is wrong with men?!

ktmccoy said...

it's even better hearing it the second time, and even better knowing more is to come. So glad ADAT is history!

Katherine Long said...

I am going to borrow lines from ADAT

Kelly Gou said...

I see the "Give All NYC men Frontal Lobotomys" campaign is still going strong in the city. Awesome.

Oh,and, I would have hung up at bike shorts. Period. End of story. He might as well have said jean shorts.